


Our promising lives are full of empty promises

by MintQueenJo



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: A hint of smut, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Major Illness, Suicidal Thoughts, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 05:11:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21332803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MintQueenJo/pseuds/MintQueenJo
Summary: It was an accumulation of events really, at least that’s what Alec had decided at that point.It took Magnus years until he could open the separate box he kept for Alexander, the family ring never left his finger when Maryse gave it back. He opened the box, and the second letter from Alexander, when Maryse was long gone. When Clary was frail and grey with her grandchildren running around. When after Isabelle had passed, and Simon left the state after being confused for her grieving son by neighbors. When Max’s wheelchair went unused in the corner of the New York institute. When all he had was the box, the letter, and his immortality did he open it.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Kudos: 48





	Our promising lives are full of empty promises

**Author's Note:**

> So you can hate me IDK because I had this thought in my head that kept going back to a scene in 2x08 Love Is A Devil. I wrote this quickly and there's not much there because I needed to just get it out, and it was part of my nano sprint for the day.  
There is not explicit talk of suicide, or a graphic scene so no worries. There's also mention of terminal illness.
> 
> Title is Hear Me Now by Framing Hanley

It was an accumulation of events really, at least that's what Alec had decided at that point. It was events that everyone told him wasn't his fault but every single incident was his fault he felt. Between the demon possession, accidentally killing Clary's mother, the clave after Jace, and his mother's strained relationship with him— it was a lot. Then to make matters worse, he found out his father was cheating on his mother many times during his trips to Idris, then Max got really sick and while a little better he was still very sick.

The Silent Brothers had told the Lightwood family gravely that nothing could be done and it was up to Max to wake up— even if he did they were warned that he could probably never fully fight as a shadowhunter unless he retained the movement of his legs.

Alec felt horrible because it was his turn to train Max and with being head of the institute and too busy, he sent him off with another shadowhunter trainee and a senior to go negotiate with a couple of werewolves that had passed through. Luke and Maia agreed that it would be wonderful training for Max, there weren't any alive werewolves at the meeting spot.

Instead a couple of dahak demons ambushed them.

It was pure luck that a third werewolf that was supposed to be there arrived late. Just not soon enough to prevent two dead shadowhunters— the other trainee died from injuries before the silent brothers arrived— and an injured Max.

Magnus stopped by to help as much as he could.

Then to top it off one day, after the seelie queen asked about his loyalties, Magnus felt that he couldn't be the high warlock and be with Alec, so the man had given a tearful apology to the shadowhunter as he broke off their engagement.

He pulled Alec aside with a sweet sorrowful kiss to the forehead before ending things, handing Alec the family ring. It made the younger man sad and angry, and Magnus let Alec pull him down to sit in the office chair to take the warlock into his mouth. The shadowhunter pleaded with each stroke for Magnus to stay, he begged into his mouth, into his neck— anywhere. He begged through each kiss, and as Magnus let Alec pull his own pants down and barely prepped with spit, slide down onto the warlock.

"Don't, please stay." Pale hands cupped a tan jaw as he rolled his hips, the little pants that left parted lips were the music to the words.

"Alexander." Ringed fingers dug into the flesh and bone of his hips and Alec couldn't stop himself from coming. Magus followed soon and held Alec close enough before giving another sad kiss and pulling himself together.

Clary still avoided him and with a tense interaction with Jace, his parabatai— his brother— when the two couldn't communicate to each other and things became unsafe. They were spotted by a drevak demon as it was spying on them, where one became two and then more.

"Why are there so many?" Clary had finally spoken, blade lighting up as Alec drew a bow. The movement making him tired, he didn't understand, he was getting tired easier and it was taking longer for iratze runes to heal him.

Most scattered but afterwards when Alec placed, "what is wrong with you?" out into the open it went south between the three. He felt that if Clary was preoccupied then rather her getting in danger she could help Izzy. Clary had let it out then that he was her problem for everything that was happening, Jace backed her up. Jace fought him on his relationship failing, and Max, he said that because of Alec was why their parents had split. That if Alec didn't marry Lydia then their mother wouldn't have been de-runed also. As Alec was getting tended to every dark thought had come to the surface of everyone else. His sexuality was an issue, he was biased as a leader, inexperienced, too young, a horrible son and brother, a weak shadowhunter.

The comments stayed with Alec, that final straw came in the form of Aldertree passing him in the hallway. He didn't know what to say as the man had made a quip about the young man looking weak and breakable. It was because of the bruises that didn't seem to be healing— and probably the lack of eating that was making him nauseous every morning.

The night wind whipped his hair as he walked down to Magnus', like he had decided it was an accumulation of events.

"Magnus, sweetheart? You need to eat." Maryse patted his knee before pulling him into a hug.

"I made a decision, I was going to apologize. I needed Alexander more than anything." He pressed his face into her shoulder as Jace lovingly held on to the warlock's shoulder. No one knew until the blonde had doubled over in the middle of a debriefing grabbing the area where that rune bonding him to his brother was. As everyone watched it burn and fade, the pain was immeasurable, and Jace knew when he looked at Magnus crumble when they were all informed of what happened that only the warlock, his mother, and himself would know that pain.

Clary cried the hardest though looking at pictures of Alec, "I don't get it. He was fine? Or not? We were supposed to talk about my mom, I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault. Just between Max and when we got attacked by the drevak demons didn't seem right. Catarina said that the venom would make him hallucinate, I can't imagine—" she couldn't finish that thought.

None of them could imagine what went on in that fever, even Aldertree had went to check on the eldest Lightwood— they had to in case the venom stayed in the bloodstream— and he said that the young man had given him such a crestfallen look before pushing past him.

None of them would have left him alone with his thoughts that night.

He didn't go to Magnus' instead he had climbed along the fire escape of another building to drink, in what they had originally thought was a drunken stupor accident. A letter apologizing to Clary most of all was found tucked away in her sketchbook she had found days later. A letter for Jace was in the piano, a letter for Izzy— with a tag for Simon about treating her right and good luck with the training he'd need as a daylighter— was actually placed into Simon's guitar case. They realized easy places for them to find but not easy enough to find in time. Maryse had two in one envelope— found in her bookshop— one for her and one for Max when he woke up. He sent his dad one planning on it probably not being read, being the disappointing son he knew he was. There was one for Luke that had arrived in the mail, begging him to treat his mother right and love his siblings as much as the man loved the little red head he helped raise.

The letter for Magnus wasn't a letter.

It was too many pages for that.

It was every thought and feeling, from the start to the end. The thank you's for every experience and for loving Alec when he needed it. For be patient until Alec had stretched them too thin to repair. How Alec wished he had more time.

Then in a shock of what he wanted as his final wish, other than for Magnus to remember all the good over the bad, was to break it to his family gently with the help of Brother Zachariah.

"Alexander wanted me to inform you. After he ran into Aldertree and had to go back in for a follow up, small amounts of venom were still there." Magnus turned to look at one of his oldest friends.

"Alexander Lightwood, while it is rare in shadowhunters, was dying from what mundanes call cancer." the silent brother could only watch as despair morphed over the Lightwood family as they didn't know what to say.

It took Magnus years until he could open the separate box he kept for Alexander, the family ring never left his finger when Maryse gave it back. He opened the box, and the second letter from Alexander, when Maryse was long gone. When Clary was frail and grey with her grandchildren running around. When after Isabelle had passed, and Simon left the state after being confused for her grieving son by neighbors. When Max's wheelchair went unused in the corner of the New York institute. When all he had was the box, the letter, and his immortality did he open it.

Magnus,

I love you with all my heart, don't think this was your fault. It never will be. It was just an accumulation of events as followed—

**Author's Note:**

> After being around several cancer nurses and working in a hospital there are many cancer patients who wish death over treatment.


End file.
